Of all arguments against love none makes so strong an appeal to my nature as “Careful! This might lead you to suffering.”
To my nature, my temperament, yes. Not to my conscience. When I respond to that appeal I seem to myself to be a thousand miles away from Christ. If I am sure of anything I am sure that His teaching was never meant to confirm my congenital preference for safe investments and limited liabilities.…
There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.
From The Four Loves, as found in The Inspirational Writings of C.S. Lewis, 278-279
Lord to love means not to fear. I fear but long to love. I’m weary of it. Father i’m striving to persevere in obeying, but i’m scared. I don’t understand your purposes, logic makes a valid case for it being emotional suicide. Why must you make me look so bad? What does it achieve? I give of myself and feel exposed. I share the precious things of my heart and feel vulnerable. Its so uncomfortable.
It dismantles the idol of reputation i’ve setup in my own mind. It exposes weaknesses that i’d desire to remain hidden, things i’d rather pretend don’t exist. It gently wrestles from my clasp, unhelpful artifacts that I hold onto too tightly. Its for your glory and my santification. Its not comfortable but its purposes are far reaching. Your plan for me involves a life time. I am so young. What do I know at 26? I’m many ways, I feel like a child. In my heart the vulnerabilities are the same. I will always be human.
God you’ve created me a warrior. You’ve given me a taste for courage. Although I doubt my being cut out for it I desire to have a go. I’m compelled to. To be a man, who knows the freedom in taking risks. Who risks hurt for the sake of joy. Who falls but gets up, who stand firm in the presence of adveristy, whose faith never falters.
Make me more into the man you desire me to be. Teach me to throw off everything that hinders. You have given me freedom, let it not go to waste on me. This stage isn’t easy for me but by your grace i’m more than a conqueror. My heart can rest secure. No mortal harm can fall upon me. Teach me to fear you alone. Make it a reality in my life, for your glories sake. Humble me for my good, that I may serve with truth and integrity.
Grant me rest, for I am so tired.
This deserves a proper post, hopefully later in the week. The next few days are a bit mad so a photo will do for now.
Don’t hide your face from me O God for my heart is distressed;
I hold on tightly Lord, for I cannot discern your leading.
My blindness overwhelms me, I cry out in the darkness;
Seeds of doubt are sown in my mind, I feel isolated from your council.
I am attacked from every side, unable to distinguish friend from foe.
If I cannot see my enemy, how can I withstand the onslaught.
Yet I will trust in You, and in the promises laid before me.
Though I stumble I will not fall, for you are faithful, and are sovereign over your creation.
Your love for me will never change, you desire for me is to prosper.
So I will wait on You, for You will speak.